Touchy Feely Tuesday

Feelings. I haz them.
But I am a "hold everything inside" kind of girl.

So here.
Let me throw up all over you.

I have experienced a lot of transitions lately, and with all of those transitions come feelings and emotions that sometimes make sense and sometimes don't. Just a year ago, I was still taking the Prozac I was prescribed for PPD. And less than a year ago, I weaned myself off of it.

So a lot of these feelings are finally a little more intense.

I keep writing and deleting because I feel like I am not talking feelings as much as excuses/reasons for feelings.

And writing and deleting is annoying so let me just try and say something here...

Yesterday I was listening to the radio and singing a song to Madee and just started crying.
Why?
Well, still trying to figure all that out.

Being a SAHM for 4 years, then having a high stress job for a few months then back to SAHMing again has been mind-boggling. My kids were acting like they didn't need me so much anymore, and then soon after taking the job, they were missing me desperately and telling me I didn't do the things I used to do with and for them.

The tug between the me that is a devoted mother and the me that finally was doing something I enjoyed working at made me feel angry all the time. I hated it. I just couldn't seem to find a balance. I missed my family, my kids, my regular house things like organizing and cooking. I loved having money that I didn't need of feel guilty about spending because I worked for it. I loved being able to buy the family some clothes (we desperately needed it) and afford Christmas without it straining our bank account. Money is good. But love is better.

And what about working within my field doing something I was really good at and using my creativity, my degree and my experience in life? It was hard to walk away from that opportunity, but I am trying to let that experience encourage me to do all of that anyway, job or not. I had lost a lot of motivation and inspiration for the things that interest me, and so I am trying to rejuvenate that part of me again.

Since I stopped working, my youngest has requested to stay at home with me. And I? Jumped at the chance. She is my last baby, and she isn't a baby anymore. So we are going to spend some time lingering on that feeling of mother/baby for a little while longer until she is ready to move on with her school life and friends.

So to sum up? A whole lot of emotions. I hate worrying about money or how I will afford beauty products and clothes that help me feel good about myself. I love planning and cooking healthy meals for my family. I hate feeling like I am not contributing financially. I love being able to contribute to my kids so fully.

And I reached a weight milestone that has eluded me for over a year, and finally see that all going where I want it.

Sometimes I am going to laugh.
Sometimes I am going to cry.
Sometimes I am going to do a little of both.
Ultimately?
I am feeling better about what I am doing in this stage of my life.
And spending more time on the beach.
Because I can.

I know I haven't shared deeply, but I have begun to admit feelings at all, so hopefully this will evolve in time.
How do you deal with your feelings?
What are your ideas for getting them out and into a process?