Bah. Feelings Day.

I will straight up admit it.
I am feeling held hostage.
I can't seem to get away from the kids.

(Getting away from the kids does not include lone grocery store trips or cleaning the house while they are gone, since that is really more domestic work, no?)

I hate feeling this way.
Because of course that means I have to feel immense guilt for feeling this way.
When, honestly, I haven't been "without responsibility" for them for even an hour since I don't know when.

Apparently I need a hobby.
I don't really want a new hobby, nor do I have time for one, but if I did have a hobby, I guess it would be more acceptable for me to leave the children and go do something.

Not that I want to leave the children OR go do something.
I don't have anything specific I want to go do or that I can't get done.
I just want to be alone.
Everything clean.
Everyone (else's) needs met.
Nobody effing bugging me.
And not having to feel guilty about just being my own person not worrying about other people for a while.

I feel like an ass writing this.
I feel like I don't really deserve to feel like this, that I should shut up and just mother my children for 24 hours a day and not complain about it.
I feel weak that I feel this way.
 Like I suck at being a mom.
Or a wife.
Or a person.
Which just compounds the feeling of being trapped.
But I get tired of feeling compelled to care for/tend to/fix all.
And I just want a day off.

A day off where I don't have to have an agenda or a reason to go out (or stay in) alone.
A day off where I don't have to feel bad if I don't want to spend it with anyone else.
Where the constant chirping of "getmegetmegetme/iwantiwantiwant" is far away.
Geez just during writing the last 4 lines of this I have been interrupted to the point of going crazy.
Don't these kids have toys? And games? And videos? And a pool? 

I feel like even more of an ass now.

So there you have it.
My stupid selfish feelings for today, that I can't even feel good about feeling.
I hope you are happy.